"The people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shouting from that of the weeping..." 

Ezra 3:13

I read an article several weeks ago by Michael Kelly, editor of Homelife magazine. In it he reflects on the above passage and says this, "We are the people of the already but not yet...we live in the dual realities of what God has done and what he is going to do."

I'd like to just share his whole article right here (but I won't) because this dual reality is one of the most profound, beautiful and befuddling aspects of my Christian faith. Today we are remembering Good Friday; the day that Christ was crucified and bore in himself the sin of us all. The day our savior died a criminal's death and we call it "GOOD." Dual reality. "It is finished!" he cried as He breathed his last. It is finished! And yet, the process of us becoming more like Him in this life is not complete until we meet him in that promised eternity. 1 Peter 1:8-9 says, "You are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." Already and not yet.

Last night we celebrated the Jewish Passover and Christian communion, a ceremony known as the Seder meal. In it we were instructed to partake of bitter herbs and charoset, a sweet mixture of apple, cinnamon, raisins and walnuts. The Lord instructed the Israelites to eat them TOGETHER. We take the good with the bad. The suffering with the joy. Dual reality. Truthfully, in my faith walk I have experienced the greatest beauty out of the most excruciating pain and loss. Like manure is for the growth of plants is the pain God has used in my life to ready us for this journey towards international adoption. It can honestly be described as a journey of blood, sweat and tears. The moment Christ had in the garden before he was betrayed by his friend and led to the cross was the same. The dual realities of suffering and glory that exist when we step out in faith are the two very elements of faith that make us more like him. James 1:1-2 says, "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. And Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and COMPLETE not lacking anything."

I am not sure that we as Christians fully understand that to be like Christ we must suffer. I don't mean that we must be somber, sad people. On the contrary, we are people of joy! But Phillipians 3:10-11 is clear, "I want to KNOW Christ, and the power of his resurrection, and the FELLOWSHIP of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, so that somehow I may be raised to life!" If we truly want to know Jesus intimately, we must be willing to get dirty. Get messy. Be rejected. Be isolated. Be disliked. Touch the untouchable. Love the unlovable. Do the unthinkable. If we want to experience life, we must learn to die to self. 

Jesus said, "If any of you would be my disciple, you must deny yourselves and take up your CROSS and follow ME." Matthew 16:24. Follow Jesus. Not a religion or a rule book. Not a program or a person, but Jesus. How can you follow him if you don't KNOW him? How can you know him? By digging into his word and seeking Him in prayer. 

Almost two years ago the Lord started drilling into me, "Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith" (Hebrews 12:1) It was clear he was telling me, "Stop FIXATING on everything else and fix your eyes on me." 

As we continue on our path towards China, I picture the cross and I fix my eyes on him:

Jesus' children were suffering. They did not know him. They did not have freedom. They were unloved, condemned, and without hope. He walked the road of suffering for them because he loved them. He loves us. 

"For the JOY set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the Father!" Hebrews 12:2

 Did you see that? The author of Hebrews says fix your eyes on Jesus. He is the author and perfecter of your faith. Don't look from side to side. Don't weigh your circumstances and try to figure it all out. Just keep watching him and he will show you what to do. What is Jesus doing when I fix my eyes on Him? Is he hiding? Is he fretting or running away. No, he is suffering because he knows that there is JOY on the other side.

"We are the people of the already but not yet...we live in the dual realities of what God has done and what he is going to do."

God has already done a mighty work in me, but he is not finished with me yet. He is still perfecting my faith, making me more like him. He has already written my story, but it is still playing out. He already has my daughter picked out and a beautiful plan for our family, but we don't know it yet. I am rejoicing in the already AND in the not-yet. I am weeping with anticipation and will be weeping when they place our daughter in my arms, and you will not be able to distinguish the weeping from the joy.

For more encouragement and inspiration concerning the mystery of this dual reality and the miracle of Hope in Jesus, check out my friends' new book Hope Heals at www.hopehealsbook.com/ or discover their blog at www.hopeheals.com

Rest at last!

Larry and I are so thankful and excited to have moved into our new bedroom last weekend! I have been waiting to post new pics because I am still recovering from the allergy attack that was brought on by all the dust, and from the pure exhaustion of the last two months!:) I am super excited to reveal how our playroom went from looking like this:

To looking like this....

To now looking like this...

Aaaahhh...Peace at last. Our nice, serene get away. We are enjoying it. The doll on the bed is a Chinese rag doll that a fellow adoptive mom was making and selling to fund their second adoption from China. I bought it last summer when we started our home study process and can hardly wait to give it to Little Sister on Gotcha Day! We keep her on our bed to serve as a prayer reminder everyday leading up to us being together!!

Now on to some silly stories about our first few nights in our new room..

The above picture shows what our blue playroom wall looked like before Larry ripped it out to create pocket doors into our laundry/work room.

Now the wall looks like this...

These pocket doors are wonderful. I can do my laundry, sort, organize, craft, fix stuff, all on the other side of this wall. Unfortunately, we have not purchased or put on the locking handles yet...or built the wall that closes off the "cat room" from this room. SO, the first night in our room the cats opened the pocket doors with ease and continually terrorized us as we tried to sleep.

Larry is a problem solver!

He nailed up a temporary piece of dry wall to help keep the kitties out. But it was only a half piece of drywall, and he underestimated the mad skillz of our precious little kitties. They scaled the wall with ease on night two, and continued to terrorize us.

NIGHT THREE...Larry is smarter still!

He nailed up yet another piece of drywall so the cats could not get in the pocket door. Alas, he underestimated still how determined our little kitties are to sleep with us in the night. On night three, the precious fur balls OPENED OUR BEDROOM DOOR. Our door has a door knob people. The cats managed to turn the doorknob and bust in. 

Now, this would not be a problem if they simply wanted to sleep with us, but they want to wrestle and skid across the floor, and claw the underside of our bed at 4am. No, no. Out you go. I locked the door. That will keep them out. Meanwhile our children have been sleeping better than ever! Olivia is so excited about her new room she wants to go to bed early and they both have been getting up late! "Well, Bless Pat!" as my mom would say...whatever that means.;)

Larry to the rescue again!

Larry realized that part of our door frame was not completely attached, since the "hallway" outside of our bedroom is part of the project that is not complete. That is why the kittens were able to magically open the door. Since that was fixed, we've been sleeping like a baby! 

Olivia on the other hand....

The next morning she woke up saying she felt like she had only slept a minute. Daisy had been meowing and clawing at her door!! Back to the drawing board!

Happy, Happy 7th Birthday to my amazing ball of energy! You are like a spinning top of beauty and creativity and talent. You are thoughtful, kind and oh so generous. I love the way you laugh at everything and how you are learning to be such a big girl. I cannot wait to see what an awesome big sister you are going to be!! Oh, and you can really use those chopsticks! You go girl! ;)

Time to Wait

Is there any other time? Well, yes, there is. But right now this is our season. Waiting for the room to be finished, waiting for Spring Break, waiting to be matched with our precious Little Girl!!

Thankfully, this last week has been another very productive week as far as home renovations go, and as usual, everything is taking WAY longer than I want! I absolutely adore my husband and dad for all of their hard work, but I am really getting anxious for some Spring Break Fun for the whole family!! Did you know that it takes three hours to put up baseboards? Three. Hours. Just sayin'. :)

Let's recap shall we?

We have floor and trim since I last posted, but I thought it would be fun to take a little walk down memory lane. 

This is what the room looked like before we got started. It was a playroom and had carpet, two small closets, 2 concrete walls, and 2 walls made of wall board. This is an old pic, so I apologize for the bad lighting.

This is Dad ripping out the two closets. Notice the small hallway in the room to the right of the closets?

Then it looked like this. I mean. Do you even know what you are looking at?! This is me standing in the room taking a pictures the exact same directions as the above pics. All the walls have been ripped out and re-framed.

Finally! Dry wall was put up and this is the new closet door. The closet is crammed full of half the stuff that used to be in that room! There is no trim, light, flooring or paint done at this point.

As of LAST NIGHT the floors have been put in, everything has been painted, new lights have been installed, and the baseboards and crown molding are up!

Please Pray, in the name of all that is good and holy, that we finish this room by the weekend!!

In Adoption news, we had a really wonderful weekend at our adoption training, "Crossings." It derives its name from the journey of the Israelites, wandering 40 years in the desert before entering the promised land. What a wonderful, hard, terrifying and, at the same time, encouraging weekend! The purpose of Crossings is to "Prepare us for the worst while hoping for the best." I cried. Twice. I laughed, a lot. I am thankful for professionals who came and shared their wisdom with us, for three awesome adoptive families who shared "real life advice," and for the connections I made as we continue our journey. One of the sweet families we met got their Travel Approval just yesterday and will be leaving in a few short weeks to bring their little girl home!! Most of all, I am so thankful to God that he called me to this path. It is amazing to me as I look back on so many things that have happened over the course of my life, but especially in the last two years, to see that so many of these experiences were bringing me to this point, and I didn't even know it. There is absolutely no greater joy than to suffer with Christ that we may also share in his glory. 

Will it be fun? Sometimes. Will it be easy? Probably rarely. But will it be worth it? Absolutely. If you want to become a better spouse or a better parent, just hop on the adoption train at Lifeline. They will equip you through His Spirit like no other! I seriously wish I had this training before I had my first two children!!

This week we got to review another file. It was a file of a waiting child, one with more severe needs that can be reviewed at any point in the adoption process, not one of the files from our partnership orphanages. I really feel like God was using this experience to teach me and grow me and prepare me for receiving our daughter's file. I wanted this file to be "The One." I  tried so hard to make it fit.I wanted our wait to be over, but at the end of the day, God made it very clear that I needed to simply Trust, Obey and WAIT. She's out there, and when I see her, I will know her!!

The last thing we are waiting on this month is to hear back from our LAST grant organization. To date, we still need to raise about $22, 000 before we travel, and we hope to travel this summer. Doesn't that number just make you laugh out loud?! On paper, it nearly looks impossible, but I know, with God, all things are possible! We are having our last MAJOR fundraiser on May 13-14. This will be a MEGA YARD SALE that incorporates our Adoption-ade Stand and our Shop to Adopt!

If you are interested in donating to our sale, start saving now. If you are interested in helping work a shift during the weekend, please email me or private message me on Facebook!

Thanks again for following along. If there is one thing we are certain of in this uncertain journey, it is that we need our village! Thanks for being our people! We are going to need everything you've got!:)

"March"ing On

I've really been pondering this word I heard a few weeks ago about seasons of life. Really, seasons of life line up well with the seasons of nature. The word I heard from the Lord reminded me that I must know what season I am in so that I do not miss what I am supposed to be doing during that time. For example, if I am in a "winter" season of life, I should not be looking for a harvest! It's not the right season!!

During the winter months of January and February I enjoyed hibernating. Both my girls ended up with Pneumonia, of all things, and so we spent a lot of time resting and watching movies. After the busyness of the Fall and Holiday seasons, I am always more than happy to do a whole lot of nothin'!! This was also a time of rest in our adoption process as we took a break from intense fundraising efforts and the hustle and bustle of the home study process. We simply enjoyed the holidays and waited to hear that our paperwork had been authenticated, sent to China, and then logged in to China's system.

During those months, while I was resting, Larry was working really hard on the inside of our house as demolition began on our new bedroom. Olivia and her new little sister will be bunking in our current bedroom together, and as we continue on through the month of March and approach Olivia's 7th birthday, we are making some serious progress on the "master suite" and hope to start shuffling rooms around next week!

• The walls are painted
• The trim is painted and waiting to be put up
• The floors are going in TOMORROW
• We have the closet organizers and are waiting to assemble

Keeping Busy

It's good to keep busy when you are waiting for something, right? The last several days have given me wonderful quality time with each of my favorite people. Last Thursday, Livi and I had a shopping date after school that resulted in some awesome faux glasses (cause she wants to be just like Mommy) and a new pair of                                                        tennis shoes!

Tuesday morning Mackenzie and I went on a date to Wild Eggs and Wal-mart before school.

 Friday, Larry and I had a date night zip-lining at the Mega Caverns! It was loads of fun and ended with some Chinese take-out and Bridge of Spies at home. 

I cherish these special moments with my family. Even as I am super excited about the newest member of our family, I am already trying to adjust to the change that a new addition will bring to the family dynamic.

This weekend we have more fun to look forward to! Larry and I will be attending Crossings, a wonderful parent training for adoptive parents. Mackenzie will be attending her first ever church lock-in with a good friend and we hope to take Olivia to the Rockin' Road Show!

I look forward to giving you even better updates on our home improvements next week, and we should be hearing news from our final grant application soon!

Just say "Nope" to Hoping in Hope

So far this adoption journey has been all about paperwork and process...and fundraising. Since we were logged in on February 3rd we have entered a new season of waiting that God is using to teach me and grow me. I wanted a chance to share some of my personal journey with you. So here it is.

"The Word was, and the Word is and the Word will be."-Sara Groves"

First, just let me say, I Love words. I just do. I love how they sound and how you can put them together. I love to write them, speak them and sing them. I love palindromes and onamonapia, prefixes, suffixes, prepositions, conjunctions, synonyms and homonyms. But I really, really love the Word of God! There is absolutely nothing like it. As one professor put it, "The Word of God is the mind of God in print."

 The Scripture is not JUST an historical account, it is also wisdom and poetry and narrative. But beyond that, it is LIVING and ACTIVE:

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

(Hebrews 4:12) 

The Scriptures tell us that all of it is "breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,  that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." (2 Tim. 3:16) 

God SPOKE the entire creation into being, and in John 1:1-3, the beloved disciple blows us away when he tells us, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made." Did you catch that? Christ himself IS the WORD! 

That is why I was so excited to read 1 Peter 1:23-25 today, as Peter drives home this exact same point:

23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. 24 For,

“All people are like grass,

    and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;

the grass withers and the flowers fall, 25 

   but the word of the Lord endures forever.”

We have been born again THROUGH the WORD of God. And that WORD is: living, enduring, IMPERISHABLE. According to the quote from Isaiah in verse 25, 

"The Word of the Lord endures FOREVER!"

I love learning new words. A few months ago during a Bible study I was doing, I learned a new word: RHEMA. According to wikipedia,  "Logos is the "Word of God" Jesus Christ, the subject from Genesis to Revelation. Rhema is the revealed word of God, as an utterance from God to the heart of the receiver via the Holy Spirit, as in John 14:26."

Last Friday we experienced a step on our adoption journey that led me to a special time with the Lord. I wrote it all down for posterity's sake, so I would remember the way in which God walked with me and talked with me along this journey. But after much prayer, I have decided to share it, in hopes that it might encourage someone else. You see, His Rhema word to me was personal in its application, but the Word of God endures forever. His truth remains the same for all of us. Perhaps he will take this Logos and speak a Rhema word to you too.

Hoping in Show Hope

Up to this point we have applied for 4 grants. I have been praying, and asking others to pray, that we would find favor with these grant organizations and be granted a silly number I came up with in my head: $12, 000!! Friday we received our second denial letter. I was surprised to hear from Show Hope so quickly, as they said it would be March 31 at the earliest. I was really “Hoping in Show Hope.” God’s timing was really perfect though, as he wanted to teach me something profound at this point in my journey.

Friday morning I read this passage from Jesus Calling and shared it in one of my adoption groups on Facebook:

“I am leading step by step through your life. Hold my hand in trusting dependence, letting me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy- even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting my promises to care for you.

Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go.”

After reading this Friday morning, I felt it applied to me as we waited to receive a file, but I had no idea that later the Holy Spirit would recall these words to my mind in a moment of discouragement and call me to practice a sacrifice of praise. Instead of getting down, or even blowing off my initial feelings of grief after receiving our “unacceptance letter” from Show Hope, I sat down and began to journal all the things I was thankful for. I began praising God for who He is, and repenting of the fact that I had put my hope in the possibility of provision from a grant, instead of the promise of provision from God himself. As I read my daily devotion that day, I was led to Isaiah 55. Below are some highlights from the chapter in verses 1, 8,11-12,15b:

“Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money…

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways…

So is the word that goes out from my mouth; it will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in JOY and be led forth in peace…this will be for the Lord’s renown.”

God was reminding me that He would provide for me. That the way I thought he would provide, was not what He had in mind. He assured me that He had called us on this journey, and that he would accomplish it for us. Not only that, but we would go out in JOY and be led forward in peace...to HIS GLORY!

As I prepared to go to worship that night I sensed God was going to speak another word to me on this. AND BOY DID HE! The focus that night was God’s word to the Israelites in Joshua 3, “You have not passed this way before.” As he instructed the Israelites on how to cross the Jordan River, from one season of wandering in the wilderness, to the next season of entering the Promised Land, they were to be guided by His Presence. They were to keep their distance from the Ark of the Covenant, in order not to get ahead of the Lord, but to simply follow the way He would show them. He warned them they had not passed this way, or in this manner, before. Yes, God had parted the Red Sea and they had passed through, but this was not going to be like that. Yes, God had led them and provided for them in one way in the wilderness, but this was not that. He would provide for them in a different way in the Promised Land. God spoke to my heart last night that even last semester was a different season of provision for this adoption. He assured me that the season we were entering was not one we had been in BEFORE. His thoughts are not my thoughts and MY WAYS are not HIS WAYS.

I keep thinking back to the words of a long time fellow church member on one of my Facebook posts VERY early in our adoption process. She simply wrote, “You know the Lord has this FOR you.” God used the words of a fellow Christian in worship last night to remind me clearly, “Stop it. Stop it. Let me love you. Let me show you the way.”

A final emphasis God gave me last night was that I cannot approach him thinking I already know, or I cannot receive from him. As I looked up the Isaiah passage in my journal just now, I came across this writing from Wednesday of this week when I was at the same place of worship:

I have been asking God to teach me to pray. I decided, that instead of trying to determine what his answer would be before I asked, that I would beg like a child my heart’s DESIRE. I asked, “Daddy, please can I have a file today? Please?”

Here was his response!!!

CHRIST PROVIDES ALL THE KNOWLEDGE WE NEED.

I found this to be a strange response. In reality, I didn't really think of it as a response to my prayer, but it was the next thing I felt led to write down and I wrote it in all caps! Now I know it was his response. Here are the thoughts that followed in my journal:

In Colossians 2:8, Paul warns the Colossians not to be taken captive through hollow and deceptive philosophies…which depend on the world rather than on Christ.

I am convicted when I think about Eve “worshiping” at the tree of knowledge. I, too, am guilty of seeking wisdom outside of Christ, weighing all the facts, etc.

What would it actually look like to receive all knowledge and apply all wisdom from Christ alone? How often do I seek outside knowledge and then “pray about it.”

A Song was playing as I wrote and I jotted the lyrics down: “You are worthy of it all; for from You are all things, and to You are all things; You deserve the Glory.”

God’s response to me asking for a file on Wednesday, at the same time and place I received my first call about a file, was a reminder to me that I must seek HIM. I cannot put my HOPE in anything other than the GRACE of Jesus Christ. 

I must not try and figure anything out in this process: not the timing, not the provision. And at the end of the day, as Isaiah wrote in chapter 55 of his prophecy, and as the song declared as I wrote down these thoughts on Wednesday, “God deserves the glory,” and he wants it all for himself. It is for HIS renown that he will send me out in JOY and make me go forth in Peace. 

Ants in my Pants

The Ides of March are upon us, and though we won't officially see the first day of Spring for 3 more weeks, I have ants in my pants!  I am ready to start Spring Cleaning, and I am ready to meet our new daughter!!

Home Improvement News

By the grace of God we have made some wonderful progress on our "Master Suite," as we lovingly call it. You may have seen my post from the weekend entitled, "Progress in Pictures." Since then I have been able to start painting!! Larry finished sanding the closet so this week I was able to paint all the bedroom walls blue, AND I was able to prime the closet and paint it blue as well! 

 I spray painted our door handle and put it back on and spray painted some electrical plates. I even made a trip to Lowe's to buy more paint (Larry was jealous, as he is always looking for another reason to go to Lowes).

Finally, I finished painting the last pocket door and last night and this morning Larry worked on putting those pocket doors in (which took much longer than you would think, as usual). Tomorrow the LAST BIT of dry wall is going up! WAHOO! I cannot WAIT for this room to be finished so the Spring Cleaning can begin!! Give us ONE MORE WEEK!!

Adoption News

There has actually been some movement in our adoption journey, but not in the way you would expect. We were LID 4 weeks ago and have only seen the one file. Through the "miracle of facebook," I was blessed to connect with a fellow Lifeline mom in Georgia who was logged in on the same day as me and is also waiting to be matched with a girl around the same age. We learned yesterday that there were actually 18 families from Lifeline logged in on the same day, and we are all waiting to matched with girls! This is a huge number of families, compared to the average 10 families that are normally waiting at the same time. We were told to expect to have to wait 6 months to be matched! 

This is one way that GOD is moving in MY life during our journey. As excited as I am to "find" our new daughter, God has really given me his "peace that passes understanding" as I wait. At the same time that we are adopting to fulfill the Gospel of Jesus (and not to meet a personal need to expand our family), I have not been struck with the urgency that other adoptive families have for the entire orphan community. In truth, adoption was not an easy decision for us, and it is certainly not one you can force onto someone else! I am overwhelmed by the statistics that there are 147 million orphans worldwide, and approximately 6 million in China alone! Can you even fathom that number? Those are real babies and children without loving forever families! 147 Million of them. Fortunately, that is not a burden God has called any one of us to carry, but he has called our family to LOVE ONE.

That being said, the thought that there are even 18 families logged in on one day that are ITCHING to be matched with a precious daughter- ONE daughter out of 6 million orphans sitting in China, waiting- and we are being told we must wait 6 months to be matched with ONE, well this has moved my spirit to pray in a way I have been waiting for since we began this journey last July.

Please understand this is no fault of the adoption agencies or even of the orphanages, necessarily. I am not trying to place blame on the Chinese government agency in charge of orphan care or to complain that they need to get their act together. The number of orphans in China is staggering, and I know that everyone is simply doing the best they can. Unfortunately, the truth I have learned from other adoptive families who have "already been there" is that China is not as quick to get children with minor to correctable special needs "paper ready" for adoption, but focus in on the children with more moderate to severe special needs. So while there may be hundreds of little girls with "minor special needs" sitting in Chinese orphanages, and hundreds of families across the globe waiting to bring them home, they are not being put into the system and being made available to be matched!

This led me to ask the questions: Does not every child matter and deserve a forever family? Is not every child precious in God's sight? Is it not the will of God that we take care of orphans? Wouldn't matching one of these girls with minor special needs still fulfill the need to have ONE LESS orphan in China?

The answer is a resounding YES!! And so I am praying. I am pounding on the gates of heaven and petitioning the Almighty God, whom Scriptures say holds the hearts of kings like channels of water in his hands- I am petitioning my sovereign God, the God Who Sees and loves the orphan, to MOVE in the hearts of the Chinese government to start making a huge number of girls with minor needs paper ready for adoption. I am trusting that as I pray, "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," that my God of Compassion will "make it rain" files!! I believe He will open the flood gates of files, and 6 months wait will not be a reality for the 18 families who were LID with Lifeline on Feb 3, 2016.

Will you pray with me? Not for my sake, but for the sake of the little girls in China who wait.