A Sacrifice of Praise

This Journey is a series of surprising events. Do you ever just sit and think, "What are you DOING God?!" Of course you do, we all do. Two and a half months ago we heard that a file was being started. It could be a six month wait. We had already been waiting 7 months to receive a file...what's six more? A LOT! That very first week, through a series of strange facebook connections, I started following and participating in the journey of a little girl brought home from China this summer. She had a similar condition to the little girl whose file we were waiting for and I felt a huge connection to her. As I led a Bible study and read books on focusing on God's character in prayer, my faith muscles were stretched and built up. It was a long two months, but the little sweetie came home on November 17!
A few days before she came home, we got word that another sweet little girl, home from China just two weeks, whom we had met one week prior in Wisconsin, was clinging for dear life. She literally flatlined and coded at the hospital. I was shocked, but knew God was giving me another little one to focus my prayers on.
Thankfully, today, she is out of the ICU, but she is not out of the hospital. We are praying for complete recovery in her brain, which was affected by all the trauma she experienced in her brief illness.
The same day we heard about the little girl in Wisconsin, we got word that a sweet friend Larry and I had worked camp together (the summer that we met) was asking for prayers for his young wife and mother to his four children. She was just diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin's lymphoma. Today her white blood count was too low for chemo.

In each of these three difficult situations, my friends have offered up a sacrifice of praise! Something I have been blessed to do during this difficult waiting season, but some days, a thing I do not do so well. The Scriptures tell us that God INHABITS the praises of his people. That's where he lives. So if that is where he wants to dwell, I better starting making a home for him.

As you prepare your homes for a Thanksgiving feast, take some time to prepare your hearts as well. Beyond our families, homes, food, and first world luxuries, what can you praise God for this Thanksgiving?

The end is in sight

We wanted to give a quick update on our adoption process since it has been awhile since we posted. To date we have been in process with this adoption for almost 14 months. Truly, we thought we would be home with our daughter by now, living a whole new normal. Turns out God's story for us was different than we had imagined (surprise surprise) but it is so good.

Finding "the One"

For those who do not know, we have been logged in to China's system for almost 7 months now. This means that we could have been receiving files to review and hopefully be matched with our daughter for the last 7 months. Surprisingly, this has not been the case. At the end of April we discovered a beautiful little girl's picture on a page that features orphans being cared for in a special medical foster home. We had our "SHE'S THE ONE" moment and began a journey of Faith like I have not experienced in a very long time. Here's the catch. Because of her medical condition, her file had not even been started yet.

Where are we now?

We were able to receive news in the last few weeks that her file IS BEING STARTED in September (Happy Birthday to Larry and Me) but there is another catch. It COULD take 6 MORE months for us to receive her file, and then it will take another two, typically, before we can travel. Have mercy.:)

In the past we have prayed for a timeline, but truly, I am praying God's will be done. His timing is so very perfect. His plans are so very good. I trust him completely. We are blessed to know that she is in a wonderful care facility where she is on the road to healing everyday. This makes it so much easier to wait. For many families waiting to bring their children home, the experience is quite the opposite.

So here is what we are doing in the meantime:

1. We continue to finish renovations on our house. Larry's time is very limited and he (and his band of merry men from time to time) are doing an amazing job slowly finishing things room by room.

2. We continue to pray and trust God's timing, and to prepare the girls for a new sister. Everyday that goes by I see a new level of maturity and responsibility in our daughters, and I know this is an answer to our prayers. Time may have been the only way for God to answer our concerns about the transition of a new sibling into our home.

3. We continue to prepare our finances. We are approximately $6,000 away from meeting our goal. We have taken a big, long break from fundraising, but now that there is an end in sight, some of that fundraising may resume again over the next few months.

During this interesting journey toward our daughter I have truly discovered what it means to be JOYFUL IN HOPE, patient in affliction and FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. My heart wants to burst as I think of each one of you who have carried us in prayer, supported us with good words, cards and inquiries about our progress, who have given relentlessly towards our monetary needs to help bring this precious child of God into a forever family. There is nothing on earth like the Body of Christ. We are a force to be reckoned with.

Adoption Hormones

Are there such things as adoption hormones? I would like to know because some days and even weeks can go by and I am doing just fine, and then other days, like today, I feel a little teary and long to call her mine.

Do I trust God's timing? Absolutely! Do I believe he is working behind the scenes...all for the good of everyone involved? Yes! Do I still LONG to hear something from China? Desperately. Recently God led me to study in depth the passage in Matthew about the Faith that moves mountains. During this time, a fellow Lifeline China mom was selling an awesome t-shirt with this phrase on it: "Move Mountains!" I was so thrilled to receive mine a few weeks ago and love wearing it as it reminds me that it is not about how much faith I have but WHO my faith is in. Who do I say that God is? The day I received the t-shirt I wrote these words in my journal:

But it is almost as if I cannot help but believe that God really is moving mountains. That WE are moving mountains with faith as small as a mustard seed. The mountains of paperwork and paperwork delays. The mountains of Chinese culture and government norms. The mountains of timelines that create fear of provision.

Jesus. Do I believe in you, or in what you will do? I believe you are sovereign. I believe you care about me and about "Little Sister" and our family and our well-being. I believe you are provider. I believe you are all-knowing and all-powerful. I believe you are healer. I believe you are the WAY MAKER! Good Father, sweet Jesus, make a way straight through the desert of waiting and bring us to the streams of mercy. I believe in you. I believe YOU. I will not thirst in this wasteland of waiting. You love me with an everlasting love. You are making all things new and beautiful in your time. I believe you are working ALL THINGS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE YOU AND HAVE BEEN CALLED ACCORDING TO YOUR PURPOSE. That’s us. So do it. Satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love…satisfy me all day long. Be my portion.

I have now been "adoption pregnant" for almost 13 months! That is 4 trimesters, friends, and as long as an orca whale!;) The process is different, the wait is different. And God is good. While we trust in his perfect timing, we are learning that there is something to a faith-filled prayer; something to PARTNERING with his Spirit to move mountains. I feel a pressing in my spirit to pray for this little one's file to come to us in September (Happy Birthday to me and Larry), with the possibility of us travelling in November. We have seen God's hand ALL over our staying in Louisville this summer and are so grateful for the more pleasant temperatures and better airfare that November will have to offer. We also feel incredibly blessed to have been home for our church's VBS and to enjoy all the college students and new couples who have joined our Sunday Morning Bible study! We are thankful for the extra time to have as a family of 4, and for the extra rest and time to work on house projects. It will be such a blessing to have a sense of "settled" before bringing her home. We sure would love to have her home for the holidays...

So we would love to have your prayers, joined with ours, lifted up to the Father, offered in the Spirit who intercedes on our behalf. Pray that her paperwork is moved through at record speed and that NOTHING hinders her file coming into OUR hands in the next 8 weeks, to the praise of His glorious Name!

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

"Who Knows?"

When I came out to my blog today I was surprised to see that the last time I published a post was on April 25th, not because that was almost two months ago, but because that evening we stumbled upon a picture of a precious orphan girl in China that we hope will be ours one day.

People are always asking us how things are going and what's new. I had a timeline in my head that moved a little faster than the actual timeline for our journey, so I want to have something to tell them! "We're still waiting," may be a satisfactory response for many, but it is not for me. I want something to be HAPPENING!!! In the physical world, and to the "untrained eye," nothing is going on. There is no news from China. Fifteen files made their way, finally, from partnership orphanages, and all but one were boys. It's been 4 months. We hear nothing, we see nothing, we know nothing...in the physical world.

But in the spiritual world, whole battles are being fought, plans are being made and executed, our daughter is being healed of physical ailments, she is being taught and is growing and is learning to be loved and to love. People are moving into her world that will carry out the Lord's goodness. In this world we say, "Who knows?" In this world we even say, "Only God knows!" But in the spiritual world, in my world that is built on foundations of faith that cannot be shaken, "I know!"

In the last several weeks since we came across this sweet girl's photo, learned she is from one of our partnership orphanages, learned that she had surgery and were blessed to storm the gates of heaven for her recovery, God has answered my prayers that faith would ARISE! He has strengthened my "faith muscles," because each leg of this adoption journey requires a little bit more. He is making us "mature and complete" as we "suffer" through the wait. We have learned to trust in HIM, not conditionally, but wholly. And do you know what amazing thing has happened? I am not just "surviving" the wait, I am thriving!! God has filled my heart with peace and, get this, JOY!! I am so confident in the goodness of my God and his love for me, and the perfection of all of his ways, that I am nearly giddy. Faith is a beautiful free fall.

This morning I was led to one of my favorite passages that the Holy Spirit spoke afresh to me again.



We are sure that that which we hope for and do not see going on in our adoption process, is indeed being worked out to perfection by our Jehovah Nissi. Jehovah Nissi means, "The Lord is my Banner!" It is the assured victory that God promises as we look to him, high and lifted up over the battlefield of our life! As we battle timelines, lack of information, the need for any post-operative complications to be completely resolved, for our daughter to be seen so that her file will be pushed through the system at record speed, we call on the name of the Lord our Banner for the miraculous victory!

If you too, in your spirit, believe God for this miracle in our lives, we ask that you partner with us in prayer. We believe God wants to blow our minds with his provision.

As Joel 2:14 says, "WHO KNOWS...he may leave behind a blessing..."

I know.

Two week fundraising Blitz!!

It is "Purple season" in my garden. My favorite time of the year when every flower in bloom is bursting forth in my favorite royal shade! Irises, lilac, cockle shells and butterfly bushes adorn our front yard. That also means it is Derby season here in Louisville. In two short weeks we will host the most famous two minutes in sports history, and in a rare occurrence, we will celebrate Mother's Day on the very same weekend!!

With all the hullabaloo of Spring Festivities going on, we thought it a perfect time for a fundraising blitz!! MOTHER'S DAY, MAY 8TH is the deadline for TWO of our three big fundraisers happening in May, and the deadline is just TWO short weeks away! The first of these fundraisers is a matching grant, and the second is our second round of t-shirt sales. Please see the flyer below for a brief overview of all three of our May fundraisers. The letter that follows will let you know how you can donate to our matching grant and receive a tax deduction! Some brief details concerning t-shirts and the yard sale can be found at the end of this post. Thanks for reading, praying and giving!!

                                                                                                                                                           

Dear Friends and Family,

It is hard to believe it has been nearly a year since God first pricked our hearts to adopt from China. What a whirlwind journey this has been, and we are now in the final stages of our adoption process. Many of you have been journeying with us and supporting us with your prayers, encouragement and finances since August of last year, when we began our home study process and started compiling our dossier (important paperwork, fingerprints and clearances required to adopt from China). We needed to raise $14,000 just to get logged in to China’s system in order to be matched with our daughter, and through multiple fundraisers that you supported, we met our goal! We cannot

thank you enough!

In these final months of our adoption process we are still in need of prayer:

1. Please pray that we would continue to trust God in the waiting as he orchestrates his perfect plan. We have been waiting 12 weeks to be matched with our daughter and this waiting is very hard. We are dying to see her face and know who she is!

2. Please pray that our process continues to go as smoothly as it has gone already. We are preparing to enter the final phase of paperwork after we are matched.

3. During this last “leg” of our race to China, please pray as we also need to raise the remaining needed funds, which total $17,000! These final expenses will cover the final agency fee, all the costs associated with two weeks of travel in China, and the remaining fees associated with paperwork for our daughter like visas, official costs in China, etc.

We are excited to share that we have received a matching grant for $3,500 from LifeSong for Orphans with a donation from     Orphan Care Alliance. If you are interested and able to donate toward our adoption expenses, this is a great opportunity because every penny you donate will go directly to our personal adoption fund. All donations are Tax Deductible AND the first $3,500 will be matched through the grant organization!! Individual donations of $50 or more and yearly donations totaling $250 or more will receive a tax-deductible receipt. Receipts for donations under $50 will gladly be sent upon request.

Once we have met our matching goal of $3, 500 our friends and family are able to keep giving and receive the tax deduction until we reach our total goal of $17, 000!

We would like to meet our Matching Grant goal of $3,500 by Mother’s Day, May 8^th!

Please make checks payable to “Lifesong for Orphans.” In the memo, note family account number 5907 and family name:     Secrest to assure it goes to the correct account. Please mail to:

Lifesong for Orphans, PO Box 40, Gridley, IL 61744.

You may also give online with a 3% processing fee at www.lifesongfororphans.org/give/donate. Select “Give to an Adoptive    Family.” Complete the online form and fill in the fields: Family Account Number, 5907 and Family Name, Secrest.

We thank you for your continued prayers and support. We cannot wait to share our joy with you as we see her face, receive approval to adopt her, and then finally bring her home!

Family Name: Secrest

Family Account Number: 5907

                                                                                                                         In Christ,

The Secrest Family

     Larry, Kasie, Mackenzie and Olivia

Our adoption t-shirts are made of super soft cotton and fit a little closely to the body, but true-to-size. Shirts are $20 plus $5 shipping per shirt if you are out of town. We hope to sell at least 25 shirts that remind us that though the number of orphans in the world is mind-blowing, it makes a difference to love just one. Will you join "Team Secrest" and buy your shirt today? You may contact me via phone, email or FB with your size and make checks payable to us. Orders will be in by the end of May.

We will accept donations for our yard sale the entire week AFTER Mother's Day. We are in need of MANY things for this HUGE event! Are you able to help out in any way? Please let me know as soon as possible. It would be such an encouragement to know we are not alone in this giant endeavor!:)

• Donated sale items
• Baked goods
• Helpers on Friday and Saturday

Everyone is so kind to ask how our process is going. It is disappointing to me when I have to say, "we are just waiting." But the sweet thing about my Good Father is that I know he is "perfect in all of his ways towards us..." towards me. I know there is a reason for this wait, and there is purpose in this waiting. It is never "just waiting." It is my JOB to lean into his heart and find out what exactly it is I am supposed to be doing during this wait.

Have you ever had to wait for something? How'd that work out for ya? I mean, did you do what I often do which is fret and stew and complain and worry yourself into a tither? Perhaps you tried to control it by taking matters into your hands and forging ahead. Or did you simply try not to think about it? "Self-medicate" the wait with more coffee, chocolate and crummy t.v. in hopes that you could simply slip into a comatose state till the wait was finally over?

I have been tempted to do all three in the past three months, but what God has been teaching me is that he doesn't want me to forge ahead where he is not. He certainly doesn't want me to worry or complain. And he doesn't want me asleep or even distracted during this wait. He wants me completely alert. Like medical scientists of long ago who would perform medical procedures, even on themselves, without anesthesia, he wants me to watch, and listen, and learn, and yes, to even feel the pain. There is much to be learned here.

God has been doing a work in my heart that is preparing me to love this little one who is coming from a "hard place." He has blessed me with beautiful coffee house conversations with new friends who have walked this road, and dinners with ladies who walk this day to day parenting struggle with me.

Last night was a night for just such a dinner with four of my dear Bible study sisters. As we wrestled with matters of the heart: ours and our children's, we were blessed. One of my girlfriends said, "It takes time to be patient," and it was if all of us heard the voice of God in that moment.

You see, culture influences our little Mommy hearts more than we could ever realize. Day in and day out we believe deep down inside that "just being a mom" is NOT ENOUGH, when the truth is, as we seek to busy ourselves with careers, or volunteer positions in our churches and schools and communities, we are wearing ourselves out to the point that we cannot be patient with our children, or loving towards our husbands, or manage the enormous tasks of our big and busy households.

Now hear this. I believe God calls women to work outside the home, and praise the Lord! I believe that he equips those that he calls. It can be done and done well!! I know some wonderful women who are doing it everyday and I admire them. BUT I AM NOT ONE OF THEM.  As a woman who has CHOSEN to stay home because I feel no stronger call on my life, God has been teaching me that to sit in his word and take a nap during the day so I can be KIND to my children and be fully and emotionally present to them is the BEST and most important thing I can do most days!

I am learning that while childbirth is indeed natural, parenting IS NOT!! Just as marriage is often a painful and messy process of merging two lives into one, parenting is the epitome of the Scripture that says, "Die daily to yourself, take up your cross and follow me." Never in all my life have I wanted to be more like Jesus than I have since I had my babies. As an old song goes, "Lord I want to be just like you, because they want to be just like me. I want to be a living example for their innocent eyes to see." Children, like our spouses, are full-length mirrors that reflect back to us all our sin and imperfection. And nothing in all of life sends us running faster to the throne of Grace.

A couple of years ago I came across a familiar verse that took on a whole new meaning for me. There are multiple interpretations to this verse, but God spoke directly to my heart concerning it. In this rather controversial passage concerning women, there's this little nugget, "But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." 1 Timothy 2:!5 I am so glad I do not have to delve into the deep theological waters of this entire passage with you, because I would be completely ill-equipped, but what this verse said to me was that PARENTING...this thing called "mothering," was life-transforming, I have struggled with issues of anger, depression and anxiety throughout the seasons of my life, beginning in childhood. But God has used my CHILDREN to bring continued and most profound healing and freedom from these things. Not because said children were simply precious and spoke adorable Shirley Temple-esque platitudes over me, but because they brought everything ugly in me to the surface. Like pouring peroxide on a wound we much rather leave alone, they "painlessly" brought the puss to the surface so God could continue his work of healing.

So what does this have to do with our adoption wait? Well, all of this life is waiting. Paul so fittingly said in Romans 8:22-23,

 "For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. 24For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." 

As in the pains of CHILDBIRTH...we wait eagerly for our ADOPTION...for the REDEMPTION of our bodies. We HOPE...and we PERSEVERE AS WE EAGERLY WAIT. wow! We cannot truly be people of the cross and not learn to wait. Because until Jesus comes back or calls us home, we only have the hope of glory. Though Jesus' work of redemption was finished on the cross, his work IN us will never be complete this side of heaven. We will always be waiting for something. Always growing. Always changing.

Two years ago a song came out that became my prayer for that year, "Lord please keep making me." 

                                                                  Watch it here

 I am a finisher. I like to see a project done and check it off my list. I don't always enjoy the journey, but God is teaching me that I can't just skip to the end, or I miss the best part of the story, and as much as I'd like to be, I am NOT the author. He is teaching me that all of life is about becoming more like him. You think you are JUST having kids...procreation is natural, right? People have been doing it from the beginning of time. But God says, "No, darlin', I am SANCTIFYING you." You think you are just changing jobs or moving to a new city, and God says, "No, ma'am. I am making you more like me." You think you are rescuing a child from China but God says, "I'm setting YOU free." You think you are simply waiting, but God says, "I am teaching you to trust me and I am growing your faith and your character while you wait."

So what are you waiting for? May I encourage you not to fret or complain? Do not try to control it, and for heaven sake don't busy yourself with the things of this world so as not to experience all that God has for you in this wait. When the pain of waiting gets the hardest, that is the time to be the most still. Get busy resting your heart on the big ole' chest of God the Father. Get in real close, so you can hear his heartbeat. And rest.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."
"Wait for the Lord. Be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord."

I will trust in you

This past summer our family launched on an adventure to Niagara Falls, Canada. It was a blast, and my first time even remotely outside of the good ole' USA. The strange thing about it was we had been planning for the last three years to go back to Disney.

All of a sudden, around February of last year, God stripped me of my desire to go to Disney. But why Niagara Falls? The truth is, after a difficult year, God had really been speaking to me through a Chris Tomlin song called, "Waterfall." The lyrics proclaim,

"Your love is like a waterfall, raining down on me.."

Waterfall by Chris Tomlin

I remember thinking, "I want to see the biggest, most powerful waterfall so I can really get what God's love is like for me." It is not just refreshing or cleansing, it is powerful!! I also remember saying many times, God must have some kind of plan for us getting our passports. We better be leaving the country again soon!!! That was in February. In May we felt the call to adopt from China, and in June, on the trip home from Canada, we surrendered to that call.

The day after coming home from Canada I was attending a prayer conference in town. On the way to the conference that morning I was just reeling. I was super excited and also a little terrified. I was going into this adoption process with my eyes wide-open to the difficulties that would lie ahead, the first of which would be to raise $36,000! And wouldn't you know a song came on the radio. I was hearing it for the first time and it became my theme song:

No such thing as impossible by Building 429

This past week my family and I took another "surprising" trip to Washington D.C. It was a fun way to not only immerse ourselves in American history, but also to expose the kids to a little bit of China while we were at it.
Below is the Friendship Arch given to the United States as a gift from Beijing in the 1980's. We hopped off the Metro on our way to the zoo just long enough to snap some shots of and with this beautiful piece of art.

 The main thing that really got us thinking about taking a spring break trip to D.C. was Mackenzie's love of Pandas that has developed this year! We often talked about getting pictures of the Pandas in China for her. We knew of the Pandas in the San Diego zoo but it was too far. One day it occurred to me that we not only wanted to go to D.C. before we had another little one in our family (and would have to push the trip several years off), but also because we were much closer to these pandas than California or China!!

 The first two days of our trip I received calls from our social worker letting us know there were a couple files we could review. It is always so exciting to get a call, but we knew right away that the special needs listed in these files were more than we felt we could handle. This past week was a wonderful time with my family, but in the quiet moments between falling asleep and before everyone else was awake, it was also a time of spiritual warfare for me. We are approaching 10 weeks of being logged in and have no idea when we might finally see our daughter's file. It could be in 2 days, it could be in two months. We just don't know.

So today God gave me another theme song, 
I will trust in you by Lauren Daigle

I do hope that you will listen to this song, because it is one that we always need to hear, but that I especially needed to release my soul into a sacrifice of praise today. This song reminds us that God's plans are good, that he is good, that he is always there and is always for us. So, as the chorus proclaims to God,

“When you don’t move the mountains I want you to move, when you don’t part the waters I want to walk right through, when you don’t give the answers as I cry out to you, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you. ” 

We are waiting. We know nothing. We don't know when the files will come, when we will get a call, or when we will finally be matched. We don't know when we will travel. Everything is in limbo, and it is just as God would have it. This journey of adoption is an amplified version of my life journey in general. It is all about surrender. It is about giving up the illusion of control and resting in his hand. It's about letting him carry me, plan for me and fight for me. Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." The Lord declared at the start of an Old Testament battle, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still..." and the Warrior King and psalmist, David, continued, "Be still and know that he is God." Be still. Trust me.


I will trust in you...

"The people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shouting from that of the weeping..." 

Ezra 3:13

I read an article several weeks ago by Michael Kelly, editor of Homelife magazine. In it he reflects on the above passage and says this, "We are the people of the already but not yet...we live in the dual realities of what God has done and what he is going to do."

I'd like to just share his whole article right here (but I won't) because this dual reality is one of the most profound, beautiful and befuddling aspects of my Christian faith. Today we are remembering Good Friday; the day that Christ was crucified and bore in himself the sin of us all. The day our savior died a criminal's death and we call it "GOOD." Dual reality. "It is finished!" he cried as He breathed his last. It is finished! And yet, the process of us becoming more like Him in this life is not complete until we meet him in that promised eternity. 1 Peter 1:8-9 says, "You are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." Already and not yet.

Last night we celebrated the Jewish Passover and Christian communion, a ceremony known as the Seder meal. In it we were instructed to partake of bitter herbs and charoset, a sweet mixture of apple, cinnamon, raisins and walnuts. The Lord instructed the Israelites to eat them TOGETHER. We take the good with the bad. The suffering with the joy. Dual reality. Truthfully, in my faith walk I have experienced the greatest beauty out of the most excruciating pain and loss. Like manure is for the growth of plants is the pain God has used in my life to ready us for this journey towards international adoption. It can honestly be described as a journey of blood, sweat and tears. The moment Christ had in the garden before he was betrayed by his friend and led to the cross was the same. The dual realities of suffering and glory that exist when we step out in faith are the two very elements of faith that make us more like him. James 1:1-2 says, "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. And Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and COMPLETE not lacking anything."

I am not sure that we as Christians fully understand that to be like Christ we must suffer. I don't mean that we must be somber, sad people. On the contrary, we are people of joy! But Phillipians 3:10-11 is clear, "I want to KNOW Christ, and the power of his resurrection, and the FELLOWSHIP of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, so that somehow I may be raised to life!" If we truly want to know Jesus intimately, we must be willing to get dirty. Get messy. Be rejected. Be isolated. Be disliked. Touch the untouchable. Love the unlovable. Do the unthinkable. If we want to experience life, we must learn to die to self. 

Jesus said, "If any of you would be my disciple, you must deny yourselves and take up your CROSS and follow ME." Matthew 16:24. Follow Jesus. Not a religion or a rule book. Not a program or a person, but Jesus. How can you follow him if you don't KNOW him? How can you know him? By digging into his word and seeking Him in prayer. 

Almost two years ago the Lord started drilling into me, "Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith" (Hebrews 12:1) It was clear he was telling me, "Stop FIXATING on everything else and fix your eyes on me." 

As we continue on our path towards China, I picture the cross and I fix my eyes on him:

Jesus' children were suffering. They did not know him. They did not have freedom. They were unloved, condemned, and without hope. He walked the road of suffering for them because he loved them. He loves us. 

"For the JOY set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the Father!" Hebrews 12:2

 Did you see that? The author of Hebrews says fix your eyes on Jesus. He is the author and perfecter of your faith. Don't look from side to side. Don't weigh your circumstances and try to figure it all out. Just keep watching him and he will show you what to do. What is Jesus doing when I fix my eyes on Him? Is he hiding? Is he fretting or running away. No, he is suffering because he knows that there is JOY on the other side.

"We are the people of the already but not yet...we live in the dual realities of what God has done and what he is going to do."

God has already done a mighty work in me, but he is not finished with me yet. He is still perfecting my faith, making me more like him. He has already written my story, but it is still playing out. He already has my daughter picked out and a beautiful plan for our family, but we don't know it yet. I am rejoicing in the already AND in the not-yet. I am weeping with anticipation and will be weeping when they place our daughter in my arms, and you will not be able to distinguish the weeping from the joy.

For more encouragement and inspiration concerning the mystery of this dual reality and the miracle of Hope in Jesus, check out my friends' new book Hope Heals at www.hopehealsbook.com/ or discover their blog at www.hopeheals.com

Rest at last!

Larry and I are so thankful and excited to have moved into our new bedroom last weekend! I have been waiting to post new pics because I am still recovering from the allergy attack that was brought on by all the dust, and from the pure exhaustion of the last two months!:) I am super excited to reveal how our playroom went from looking like this:

To looking like this....

To now looking like this...

Aaaahhh...Peace at last. Our nice, serene get away. We are enjoying it. The doll on the bed is a Chinese rag doll that a fellow adoptive mom was making and selling to fund their second adoption from China. I bought it last summer when we started our home study process and can hardly wait to give it to Little Sister on Gotcha Day! We keep her on our bed to serve as a prayer reminder everyday leading up to us being together!!

Now on to some silly stories about our first few nights in our new room..

The above picture shows what our blue playroom wall looked like before Larry ripped it out to create pocket doors into our laundry/work room.

Now the wall looks like this...

These pocket doors are wonderful. I can do my laundry, sort, organize, craft, fix stuff, all on the other side of this wall. Unfortunately, we have not purchased or put on the locking handles yet...or built the wall that closes off the "cat room" from this room. SO, the first night in our room the cats opened the pocket doors with ease and continually terrorized us as we tried to sleep.

Larry is a problem solver!

He nailed up a temporary piece of dry wall to help keep the kitties out. But it was only a half piece of drywall, and he underestimated the mad skillz of our precious little kitties. They scaled the wall with ease on night two, and continued to terrorize us.

NIGHT THREE...Larry is smarter still!

He nailed up yet another piece of drywall so the cats could not get in the pocket door. Alas, he underestimated still how determined our little kitties are to sleep with us in the night. On night three, the precious fur balls OPENED OUR BEDROOM DOOR. Our door has a door knob people. The cats managed to turn the doorknob and bust in. 

Now, this would not be a problem if they simply wanted to sleep with us, but they want to wrestle and skid across the floor, and claw the underside of our bed at 4am. No, no. Out you go. I locked the door. That will keep them out. Meanwhile our children have been sleeping better than ever! Olivia is so excited about her new room she wants to go to bed early and they both have been getting up late! "Well, Bless Pat!" as my mom would say...whatever that means.;)

Larry to the rescue again!

Larry realized that part of our door frame was not completely attached, since the "hallway" outside of our bedroom is part of the project that is not complete. That is why the kittens were able to magically open the door. Since that was fixed, we've been sleeping like a baby! 

Olivia on the other hand....

The next morning she woke up saying she felt like she had only slept a minute. Daisy had been meowing and clawing at her door!! Back to the drawing board!

Happy, Happy 7th Birthday to my amazing ball of energy! You are like a spinning top of beauty and creativity and talent. You are thoughtful, kind and oh so generous. I love the way you laugh at everything and how you are learning to be such a big girl. I cannot wait to see what an awesome big sister you are going to be!! Oh, and you can really use those chopsticks! You go girl! ;)

Time to Wait

Is there any other time? Well, yes, there is. But right now this is our season. Waiting for the room to be finished, waiting for Spring Break, waiting to be matched with our precious Little Girl!!

Thankfully, this last week has been another very productive week as far as home renovations go, and as usual, everything is taking WAY longer than I want! I absolutely adore my husband and dad for all of their hard work, but I am really getting anxious for some Spring Break Fun for the whole family!! Did you know that it takes three hours to put up baseboards? Three. Hours. Just sayin'. :)

Let's recap shall we?

We have floor and trim since I last posted, but I thought it would be fun to take a little walk down memory lane. 

This is what the room looked like before we got started. It was a playroom and had carpet, two small closets, 2 concrete walls, and 2 walls made of wall board. This is an old pic, so I apologize for the bad lighting.

This is Dad ripping out the two closets. Notice the small hallway in the room to the right of the closets?

Then it looked like this. I mean. Do you even know what you are looking at?! This is me standing in the room taking a pictures the exact same directions as the above pics. All the walls have been ripped out and re-framed.

Finally! Dry wall was put up and this is the new closet door. The closet is crammed full of half the stuff that used to be in that room! There is no trim, light, flooring or paint done at this point.

As of LAST NIGHT the floors have been put in, everything has been painted, new lights have been installed, and the baseboards and crown molding are up!

Please Pray, in the name of all that is good and holy, that we finish this room by the weekend!!

In Adoption news, we had a really wonderful weekend at our adoption training, "Crossings." It derives its name from the journey of the Israelites, wandering 40 years in the desert before entering the promised land. What a wonderful, hard, terrifying and, at the same time, encouraging weekend! The purpose of Crossings is to "Prepare us for the worst while hoping for the best." I cried. Twice. I laughed, a lot. I am thankful for professionals who came and shared their wisdom with us, for three awesome adoptive families who shared "real life advice," and for the connections I made as we continue our journey. One of the sweet families we met got their Travel Approval just yesterday and will be leaving in a few short weeks to bring their little girl home!! Most of all, I am so thankful to God that he called me to this path. It is amazing to me as I look back on so many things that have happened over the course of my life, but especially in the last two years, to see that so many of these experiences were bringing me to this point, and I didn't even know it. There is absolutely no greater joy than to suffer with Christ that we may also share in his glory. 

Will it be fun? Sometimes. Will it be easy? Probably rarely. But will it be worth it? Absolutely. If you want to become a better spouse or a better parent, just hop on the adoption train at Lifeline. They will equip you through His Spirit like no other! I seriously wish I had this training before I had my first two children!!

This week we got to review another file. It was a file of a waiting child, one with more severe needs that can be reviewed at any point in the adoption process, not one of the files from our partnership orphanages. I really feel like God was using this experience to teach me and grow me and prepare me for receiving our daughter's file. I wanted this file to be "The One." I  tried so hard to make it fit.I wanted our wait to be over, but at the end of the day, God made it very clear that I needed to simply Trust, Obey and WAIT. She's out there, and when I see her, I will know her!!

The last thing we are waiting on this month is to hear back from our LAST grant organization. To date, we still need to raise about $22, 000 before we travel, and we hope to travel this summer. Doesn't that number just make you laugh out loud?! On paper, it nearly looks impossible, but I know, with God, all things are possible! We are having our last MAJOR fundraiser on May 13-14. This will be a MEGA YARD SALE that incorporates our Adoption-ade Stand and our Shop to Adopt!

If you are interested in donating to our sale, start saving now. If you are interested in helping work a shift during the weekend, please email me or private message me on Facebook!

Thanks again for following along. If there is one thing we are certain of in this uncertain journey, it is that we need our village! Thanks for being our people! We are going to need everything you've got!:)

"March"ing On

I've really been pondering this word I heard a few weeks ago about seasons of life. Really, seasons of life line up well with the seasons of nature. The word I heard from the Lord reminded me that I must know what season I am in so that I do not miss what I am supposed to be doing during that time. For example, if I am in a "winter" season of life, I should not be looking for a harvest! It's not the right season!!

During the winter months of January and February I enjoyed hibernating. Both my girls ended up with Pneumonia, of all things, and so we spent a lot of time resting and watching movies. After the busyness of the Fall and Holiday seasons, I am always more than happy to do a whole lot of nothin'!! This was also a time of rest in our adoption process as we took a break from intense fundraising efforts and the hustle and bustle of the home study process. We simply enjoyed the holidays and waited to hear that our paperwork had been authenticated, sent to China, and then logged in to China's system.

During those months, while I was resting, Larry was working really hard on the inside of our house as demolition began on our new bedroom. Olivia and her new little sister will be bunking in our current bedroom together, and as we continue on through the month of March and approach Olivia's 7th birthday, we are making some serious progress on the "master suite" and hope to start shuffling rooms around next week!

• The walls are painted
• The trim is painted and waiting to be put up
• The floors are going in TOMORROW
• We have the closet organizers and are waiting to assemble

Keeping Busy

It's good to keep busy when you are waiting for something, right? The last several days have given me wonderful quality time with each of my favorite people. Last Thursday, Livi and I had a shopping date after school that resulted in some awesome faux glasses (cause she wants to be just like Mommy) and a new pair of                                                        tennis shoes!

Tuesday morning Mackenzie and I went on a date to Wild Eggs and Wal-mart before school.

 Friday, Larry and I had a date night zip-lining at the Mega Caverns! It was loads of fun and ended with some Chinese take-out and Bridge of Spies at home. 

I cherish these special moments with my family. Even as I am super excited about the newest member of our family, I am already trying to adjust to the change that a new addition will bring to the family dynamic.

This weekend we have more fun to look forward to! Larry and I will be attending Crossings, a wonderful parent training for adoptive parents. Mackenzie will be attending her first ever church lock-in with a good friend and we hope to take Olivia to the Rockin' Road Show!

I look forward to giving you even better updates on our home improvements next week, and we should be hearing news from our final grant application soon!

Just say "Nope" to Hoping in Hope

So far this adoption journey has been all about paperwork and process...and fundraising. Since we were logged in on February 3rd we have entered a new season of waiting that God is using to teach me and grow me. I wanted a chance to share some of my personal journey with you. So here it is.

"The Word was, and the Word is and the Word will be."-Sara Groves"

First, just let me say, I Love words. I just do. I love how they sound and how you can put them together. I love to write them, speak them and sing them. I love palindromes and onamonapia, prefixes, suffixes, prepositions, conjunctions, synonyms and homonyms. But I really, really love the Word of God! There is absolutely nothing like it. As one professor put it, "The Word of God is the mind of God in print."

 The Scripture is not JUST an historical account, it is also wisdom and poetry and narrative. But beyond that, it is LIVING and ACTIVE:

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

(Hebrews 4:12) 

The Scriptures tell us that all of it is "breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,  that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." (2 Tim. 3:16) 

God SPOKE the entire creation into being, and in John 1:1-3, the beloved disciple blows us away when he tells us, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made." Did you catch that? Christ himself IS the WORD! 

That is why I was so excited to read 1 Peter 1:23-25 today, as Peter drives home this exact same point:

23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. 24 For,

“All people are like grass,

    and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;

the grass withers and the flowers fall, 25 

   but the word of the Lord endures forever.”

We have been born again THROUGH the WORD of God. And that WORD is: living, enduring, IMPERISHABLE. According to the quote from Isaiah in verse 25, 

"The Word of the Lord endures FOREVER!"

I love learning new words. A few months ago during a Bible study I was doing, I learned a new word: RHEMA. According to wikipedia,  "Logos is the "Word of God" Jesus Christ, the subject from Genesis to Revelation. Rhema is the revealed word of God, as an utterance from God to the heart of the receiver via the Holy Spirit, as in John 14:26."

Last Friday we experienced a step on our adoption journey that led me to a special time with the Lord. I wrote it all down for posterity's sake, so I would remember the way in which God walked with me and talked with me along this journey. But after much prayer, I have decided to share it, in hopes that it might encourage someone else. You see, His Rhema word to me was personal in its application, but the Word of God endures forever. His truth remains the same for all of us. Perhaps he will take this Logos and speak a Rhema word to you too.

Hoping in Show Hope

Up to this point we have applied for 4 grants. I have been praying, and asking others to pray, that we would find favor with these grant organizations and be granted a silly number I came up with in my head: $12, 000!! Friday we received our second denial letter. I was surprised to hear from Show Hope so quickly, as they said it would be March 31 at the earliest. I was really “Hoping in Show Hope.” God’s timing was really perfect though, as he wanted to teach me something profound at this point in my journey.

Friday morning I read this passage from Jesus Calling and shared it in one of my adoption groups on Facebook:

“I am leading step by step through your life. Hold my hand in trusting dependence, letting me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy- even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting my promises to care for you.

Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go.”

After reading this Friday morning, I felt it applied to me as we waited to receive a file, but I had no idea that later the Holy Spirit would recall these words to my mind in a moment of discouragement and call me to practice a sacrifice of praise. Instead of getting down, or even blowing off my initial feelings of grief after receiving our “unacceptance letter” from Show Hope, I sat down and began to journal all the things I was thankful for. I began praising God for who He is, and repenting of the fact that I had put my hope in the possibility of provision from a grant, instead of the promise of provision from God himself. As I read my daily devotion that day, I was led to Isaiah 55. Below are some highlights from the chapter in verses 1, 8,11-12,15b:

“Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money…

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways…

So is the word that goes out from my mouth; it will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in JOY and be led forth in peace…this will be for the Lord’s renown.”

God was reminding me that He would provide for me. That the way I thought he would provide, was not what He had in mind. He assured me that He had called us on this journey, and that he would accomplish it for us. Not only that, but we would go out in JOY and be led forward in peace...to HIS GLORY!

As I prepared to go to worship that night I sensed God was going to speak another word to me on this. AND BOY DID HE! The focus that night was God’s word to the Israelites in Joshua 3, “You have not passed this way before.” As he instructed the Israelites on how to cross the Jordan River, from one season of wandering in the wilderness, to the next season of entering the Promised Land, they were to be guided by His Presence. They were to keep their distance from the Ark of the Covenant, in order not to get ahead of the Lord, but to simply follow the way He would show them. He warned them they had not passed this way, or in this manner, before. Yes, God had parted the Red Sea and they had passed through, but this was not going to be like that. Yes, God had led them and provided for them in one way in the wilderness, but this was not that. He would provide for them in a different way in the Promised Land. God spoke to my heart last night that even last semester was a different season of provision for this adoption. He assured me that the season we were entering was not one we had been in BEFORE. His thoughts are not my thoughts and MY WAYS are not HIS WAYS.

I keep thinking back to the words of a long time fellow church member on one of my Facebook posts VERY early in our adoption process. She simply wrote, “You know the Lord has this FOR you.” God used the words of a fellow Christian in worship last night to remind me clearly, “Stop it. Stop it. Let me love you. Let me show you the way.”

A final emphasis God gave me last night was that I cannot approach him thinking I already know, or I cannot receive from him. As I looked up the Isaiah passage in my journal just now, I came across this writing from Wednesday of this week when I was at the same place of worship:

I have been asking God to teach me to pray. I decided, that instead of trying to determine what his answer would be before I asked, that I would beg like a child my heart’s DESIRE. I asked, “Daddy, please can I have a file today? Please?”

Here was his response!!!

CHRIST PROVIDES ALL THE KNOWLEDGE WE NEED.

I found this to be a strange response. In reality, I didn't really think of it as a response to my prayer, but it was the next thing I felt led to write down and I wrote it in all caps! Now I know it was his response. Here are the thoughts that followed in my journal:

In Colossians 2:8, Paul warns the Colossians not to be taken captive through hollow and deceptive philosophies…which depend on the world rather than on Christ.

I am convicted when I think about Eve “worshiping” at the tree of knowledge. I, too, am guilty of seeking wisdom outside of Christ, weighing all the facts, etc.

What would it actually look like to receive all knowledge and apply all wisdom from Christ alone? How often do I seek outside knowledge and then “pray about it.”

A Song was playing as I wrote and I jotted the lyrics down: “You are worthy of it all; for from You are all things, and to You are all things; You deserve the Glory.”

God’s response to me asking for a file on Wednesday, at the same time and place I received my first call about a file, was a reminder to me that I must seek HIM. I cannot put my HOPE in anything other than the GRACE of Jesus Christ. 

I must not try and figure anything out in this process: not the timing, not the provision. And at the end of the day, as Isaiah wrote in chapter 55 of his prophecy, and as the song declared as I wrote down these thoughts on Wednesday, “God deserves the glory,” and he wants it all for himself. It is for HIS renown that he will send me out in JOY and make me go forth in Peace.