From China with Love

Everyone is so kind to ask how our process is going. It is disappointing to me when I have to say, "we are just waiting." But the sweet thing about my Good Father is that I know he is "perfect in all of his ways towards us..." towards me. I know there is a reason for this wait, and there is purpose in this waiting. It is never "just waiting." It is my JOB to lean into his heart and find out what exactly it is I am supposed to be doing during this wait.

Have you ever had to wait for something? How'd that work out for ya? I mean, did you do what I often do which is fret and stew and complain and worry yourself into a tither? Perhaps you tried to control it by taking matters into your hands and forging ahead. Or did you simply try not to think about it? "Self-medicate" the wait with more coffee, chocolate and crummy t.v. in hopes that you could simply slip into a comatose state till the wait was finally over?

I have been tempted to do all three in the past three months, but what God has been teaching me is that he doesn't want me to forge ahead where he is not. He certainly doesn't want me to worry or complain. And he doesn't want me asleep or even distracted during this wait. He wants me completely alert. Like medical scientists of long ago who would perform medical procedures, even on themselves, without anesthesia, he wants me to watch, and listen, and learn, and yes, to even feel the pain. There is much to be learned here.

God has been doing a work in my heart that is preparing me to love this little one who is coming from a "hard place." He has blessed me with beautiful coffee house conversations with new friends who have walked this road, and dinners with ladies who walk this day to day parenting struggle with me.

Last night was a night for just such a dinner with four of my dear Bible study sisters. As we wrestled with matters of the heart: ours and our children's, we were blessed. One of my girlfriends said, "It takes time to be patient," and it was if all of us heard the voice of God in that moment.

You see, culture influences our little Mommy hearts more than we could ever realize. Day in and day out we believe deep down inside that "just being a mom" is NOT ENOUGH, when the truth is, as we seek to busy ourselves with careers, or volunteer positions in our churches and schools and communities, we are wearing ourselves out to the point that we cannot be patient with our children, or loving towards our husbands, or manage the enormous tasks of our big and busy households.

Now hear this. I believe God calls women to work outside the home, and praise the Lord! I believe that he equips those that he calls. It can be done and done well!! I know some wonderful women who are doing it everyday and I admire them. BUT I AM NOT ONE OF THEM.  As a woman who has CHOSEN to stay home because I feel no stronger call on my life, God has been teaching me that to sit in his word and take a nap during the day so I can be KIND to my children and be fully and emotionally present to them is the BEST and most important thing I can do most days!

I am learning that while childbirth is indeed natural, parenting IS NOT!! Just as marriage is often a painful and messy process of merging two lives into one, parenting is the epitome of the Scripture that says, "Die daily to yourself, take up your cross and follow me." Never in all my life have I wanted to be more like Jesus than I have since I had my babies. As an old song goes, "Lord I want to be just like you, because they want to be just like me. I want to be a living example for their innocent eyes to see." Children, like our spouses, are full-length mirrors that reflect back to us all our sin and imperfection. And nothing in all of life sends us running faster to the throne of Grace.

A couple of years ago I came across a familiar verse that took on a whole new meaning for me. There are multiple interpretations to this verse, but God spoke directly to my heart concerning it. In this rather controversial passage concerning women, there's this little nugget, "But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." 1 Timothy 2:!5 I am so glad I do not have to delve into the deep theological waters of this entire passage with you, because I would be completely ill-equipped, but what this verse said to me was that PARENTING...this thing called "mothering," was life-transforming, I have struggled with issues of anger, depression and anxiety throughout the seasons of my life, beginning in childhood. But God has used my CHILDREN to bring continued and most profound healing and freedom from these things. Not because said children were simply precious and spoke adorable Shirley Temple-esque platitudes over me, but because they brought everything ugly in me to the surface. Like pouring peroxide on a wound we much rather leave alone, they "painlessly" brought the puss to the surface so God could continue his work of healing.

So what does this have to do with our adoption wait? Well, all of this life is waiting. Paul so fittingly said in Romans 8:22-23,

 "For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. 24For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." 

As in the pains of CHILDBIRTH...we wait eagerly for our ADOPTION...for the REDEMPTION of our bodies. We HOPE...and we PERSEVERE AS WE EAGERLY WAIT. wow! We cannot truly be people of the cross and not learn to wait. Because until Jesus comes back or calls us home, we only have the hope of glory. Though Jesus' work of redemption was finished on the cross, his work IN us will never be complete this side of heaven. We will always be waiting for something. Always growing. Always changing.

Two years ago a song came out that became my prayer for that year, "Lord please keep making me." 

                                                                  Watch it here

 I am a finisher. I like to see a project done and check it off my list. I don't always enjoy the journey, but God is teaching me that I can't just skip to the end, or I miss the best part of the story, and as much as I'd like to be, I am NOT the author. He is teaching me that all of life is about becoming more like him. You think you are JUST having kids...procreation is natural, right? People have been doing it from the beginning of time. But God says, "No, darlin', I am SANCTIFYING you." You think you are just changing jobs or moving to a new city, and God says, "No, ma'am. I am making you more like me." You think you are rescuing a child from China but God says, "I'm setting YOU free." You think you are simply waiting, but God says, "I am teaching you to trust me and I am growing your faith and your character while you wait."

So what are you waiting for? May I encourage you not to fret or complain? Do not try to control it, and for heaven sake don't busy yourself with the things of this world so as not to experience all that God has for you in this wait. When the pain of waiting gets the hardest, that is the time to be the most still. Get busy resting your heart on the big ole' chest of God the Father. Get in real close, so you can hear his heartbeat. And rest.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."
"Wait for the Lord. Be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord."